turning it around....hopefully

my oh my

senior year is coming to and end.
i have 6 days of actual classes.
5 days of uniforms.
4 senior activities coming up.
3 million things i have to get done.
2 AP exams to take.
and 1 day that officially begins a new journey.

if you have read any of my other blogs you will probably think i am very whiny.
however i am not as whiny as i seem. i simply only seem to get on here when i need to vent and it ends badly. but anyway i'm turning everything around.

so nothing has turned out the way i planned.. but maybe just maybe its exactly how God planned it. I'm not gonna lie me and God are having some communication issues right now but I'm trying.
I just can't feel him close to me recently.

Sick and Tired

I know that I cannot be the only person out there who feels inadequate, but I sometimes just feel alone. I know that I'm probably being the typical over dramatic teenager, but so be it. Nothing is going my way and I feel so far from God that I don't even know how to find my way back. I don't even know how to explain it. I just feel emotionally, spiritually, physically separated from everything around me. I'm sick of feeling alone and like nothing is good enough. I'm tired of beating myself up. And I just want someone to be there no matter what. I have my sister, but I don't get to see her when I need her and 99% of the time she is the only one that makes me feel like I'm not alone. So thanks, sis. I hate that I constantly need others to make me feel better. ugh. okay so now I sound like one of those depressed kids. great. I'm not depressed I promise.

Just so you know...

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around;
I can't let them win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go

Just so you know
It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...Been waiting here





Those are the lyrics to a song that I was listening to today.
Life hasn't been all that great for me lately.
I have put on my happy face and said everything is okay but its not.
I feel all alone and separated from everything.
And for once in my life, I really don't have anyone to talk to about it.
I am just scared that I really am going to be alone in the end.....