turning it around....hopefully

my oh my

senior year is coming to and end.
i have 6 days of actual classes.
5 days of uniforms.
4 senior activities coming up.
3 million things i have to get done.
2 AP exams to take.
and 1 day that officially begins a new journey.

if you have read any of my other blogs you will probably think i am very whiny.
however i am not as whiny as i seem. i simply only seem to get on here when i need to vent and it ends badly. but anyway i'm turning everything around.

so nothing has turned out the way i planned.. but maybe just maybe its exactly how God planned it. I'm not gonna lie me and God are having some communication issues right now but I'm trying.
I just can't feel him close to me recently.

Sick and Tired

I know that I cannot be the only person out there who feels inadequate, but I sometimes just feel alone. I know that I'm probably being the typical over dramatic teenager, but so be it. Nothing is going my way and I feel so far from God that I don't even know how to find my way back. I don't even know how to explain it. I just feel emotionally, spiritually, physically separated from everything around me. I'm sick of feeling alone and like nothing is good enough. I'm tired of beating myself up. And I just want someone to be there no matter what. I have my sister, but I don't get to see her when I need her and 99% of the time she is the only one that makes me feel like I'm not alone. So thanks, sis. I hate that I constantly need others to make me feel better. ugh. okay so now I sound like one of those depressed kids. great. I'm not depressed I promise.

Just so you know...

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around;
I can't let them win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go

Just so you know
It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...Been waiting here





Those are the lyrics to a song that I was listening to today.
Life hasn't been all that great for me lately.
I have put on my happy face and said everything is okay but its not.
I feel all alone and separated from everything.
And for once in my life, I really don't have anyone to talk to about it.
I am just scared that I really am going to be alone in the end.....

Mr. Right

Every girl wants "Mr. Right". For example, Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice. I think he is absolutely dreamy and would kill (not literally) to have my "Mr. Darcy". I want that simple little girl dream of the boy coming to whisk me off my feet (the white horse doesn't have to be included i just want the boy). However like most hopeless romantics, i tend to leave out one major thing in my dreams about my "Mr. Darcy". In the movie Pride & Prejudice, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth overcome some major obstacles in order to be together but for the most part i choose to ignore those things and focus simply on the end. I think this is why so often those of us who are still hopeless romantics are so often disappointed. We simply want the end result. We want the moment when our eyes connect with the one we love and all seems right in the world. However we tend to leave out any struggle or fight that led up to that moment. I have realized the love that i want for myself and those I love is the kind of love that remembers every fight and harsh word exchanged but still never fades.

life is crazy...

Hello all. I officially haven't posted a blog in almost two months...oopies = /. Although I would love to say that I have SO much stuff to say I really don't. Nothing interesting happenes to me. lol. I'm still hung up on the same guy (although there is a new one in the mix now). However the guy that i have liked forever has started paying me more attention. but i'm not gonna get my hopes up i know where that always gets me. I love my job more than ever. it is crazy and hectic but i love being there. i get to see my big sister in like two days = ] and this time it wont be a surprise lol. i took two midterms today and i dont think i did all that bad *crosses fingers*. My dad is still being a jerk about my grades and let's just say that i am MORE THAN ready for college. okay i was trying really hard not to talk about boys in this blog because i noticed basically all my previous blogs are about boys lol but what can i say i'm a little boy crazy. however THE BOY alsi;ehjfoiehrfaek ugh he confused me too death. for example he used to just leave school whenever and sometimes not even say bye to me but like today he hung out with me until i left and he has started doing lots of little things like that and it is making me think that i have a chance...hopefully i do. because i am crazy about this boy...<3

my usually messy life

ugh so yea nothing is going to plan. and i happen to like plans.
everything just doesnt seem to be falling into place.
and since i had this stupid surgery i just feel handicapped and i'm not seeing the bright side anywhere around.
i really just cant catch a break.
and i just realized i didnt do calculus....fabulous.
the cherry on top of my perfect day....
well now i have to go see if i even have my calculus book.
ugh story of my life. always three steps behind with no hopes of catching up.

drama....like i need that.

why is it that the one guy we want so badly to like us is the one that usually takes the longest to step up to the plate?? ugh so annoying.
ok so here is a little back ground.
i have liked this one guy FOREVER. (that is almost a literal statement)
however i was really trying my hardest to move on and was doing a really good job at it but now i think that the boy i REALLYREALLY like is finally stepping up... maybe.
so now i have these two other guys that i have been talking to and now i feel like i have lead them on because i have been flirting with them but now that "the boy" is back in the picture these other two guys are not even remotely competition..
however these other two boys have no idea that they are completely out of their league and have become very clingy because i have been trying desperately to avoid them.
but yea so that is my life.
but i am really hoping that "the boy" is stepping up to the plate because he has matured a lot recently and i'm hoping that he will ask me out... = ] but if not i dont know what i will do.
stay tuned to see how it all turns out .......